I am drooling! Here’s a list of 297 words/phrases to eliminate when writing! Guilty! Check it out! Trim it- Say what you mean!
I am drooling! Here’s a list of 297 words/phrases to eliminate when writing! Guilty! Check it out! Trim it- Say what you mean!
Wow. I am aghast at this blatant racism against these lovely South African young girls! Great job young ladies. Keep fighting for the freedom to be yourself and love yourself just as you are. Your natural hair is the essence of your beauty as a creation of a loving God. Same stuff goes on in America…(smh)
TwitterTeenage girls in South Africa are leading a protest movement against their school’s discriminatory hair code–which they say targets black students’ natural hair–and is a symbol of the wider environment of racism at the school. Students at Pretoria High School for Girls began protesting last Friday after a black student was reprimanded for writing an…
So inspiring! Check out Pamela’s decluttering advice! Works wonders!
What is unused stuff?
I’ve been in Psychotherapy for a number of years and don’t plan to quit anytime soon! I feel it gives me some of the best skills in handling life and the accompanying stress that comes along with it.
In my several years I have learned much about dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) Once an area that was reserved for only those who were diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, DBT has become a skill set that psychologists are teaching to a wide variety of patients who may be struggling with a wide variety of emotional regulation.
I love DBT especially because it includes mindfulness training. Mindfulness is learning to stay in the present without time traveling. It’s eliminating the “if onlys” and the “what ifs” (which are past and future worries).
There are four modules to DBT-read below and see if it’s for you! I hope you learn something new from this post!
DBT Skills training is made up of four modules: core mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. They are designed to specifically assist individuals in better managing behaviors, emotions and thoughts. The intent is to help people who experience problems with anger or the expression of anger, episodic depression, irritability or anxiety, intense or chaotic relationships, impulsivity, stress and feelings of emptiness.
Core Mindfulness teaches a person how to focus their mind and attention. Distress Tolerance develops acceptance of the current situation as well as crisis survival skills to decrease the likelihood of engaging in problematic behavior. Emotion Regulation skills include learning to identify and label current emotions, identifying obstacles to changing emotions, reducing emotional reactivity, increasing positive emotions and changing emotions. Interpersonal Effectiveness skills teach helpful strategies for asking for what one needs, saying no, and coping with interpersonal conflict.
Core Mindfulness Skills
Mindfulness skills in DBT come from the eastern spiritual traditions. These skills help members focus on the present and attend to what is happening in the here and now in a calm way. It helps people slow down and focus on doing what is needed to care for oneself in the moment. Members learn the value of wise mind instead of succumbing to intense emotions and acting in a destructive way.
Distress Tolerance Skills
Distress tolerance helps people get through difficult times when emotions are running high. It teaches people to soothe themselves in healthy ways when they are feeling upset rather than becoming overwhelmed by emotions or hiding from them. This allows individuals to make wise decisions about whether and how to take action, rather than falling into the intense, desperate and often-destructive emotional reactions. Crisis survival skills are also taught so that one does not engage in problematic behaviors and ultimately make the situation worse. Reality Acceptance Skills focus on helping people fully accept reality and provide a guideline for responding to painful aspects of life.
Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
Interpersonal effectiveness skills involve helping people understand what their needs are in their relationships and helps develop effective ways of dealing with others in order to get one’s wants or needs met in a healthy way. This involves respecting the self and others, listening and communicating effectively, dealing with difficult people, repairing relationships and being able to say no.
Emotion Regulation Skills
The DBT emotion regulation skills help people understand their emotions. It teaches people to decrease the intensity of their feelings and helps them ride out strong emotions without acting on them. It provides education about the function of emotions and how to not be swamped by them.
Owning Our Power
Don’t you see? We do not have to be so victimized by life, by people, by situations, by work, by our friends, by our love relationships, by our family, by our feelings, our thoughts, our circumstances, and ourselves.
We are not victims. We do not have to be victims. That is the whole point!
Yes, admitting and accepting powerlessness is important. But that is the first step, an introduction to this business of recovery. Later, comes owning our power. Changing what we can. This is as important as admitting and accepting powerlessness. And there is so much we can change.
We can own our power, wherever we are, wherever we go, whomever we are with. We do not have to stand there with our hands tied, groveling helplessly, submitting to whatever comes along. There are things we can do. We can speak up. Solve the problem. Use the problem to motivate ourselves to do something good for ourselves.
We can make ourselves feel good. We can walk away. We can come back on our terms. We can stand up for ourselves. We can refuse to let others control and manipulate us.
We can do what we need to do to take care of our selves. That is the beauty, the reward, the crown of victory we are given in this process called recovery. It is what it is all about!
If we can’t do anything about the circumstance, we can change our attitude. We can do the work within: courageously face our issues so we are not victimized. We have been given a miraculous key to life.
We are victims no more unless we want to be.
Freedom and joy are ours for the taking, for the feeling, for the hard work we have done.
Today, I will remind myself as often as necessary that I am not a victim, and I do not need to be victimized by whatever comes my way. I will work hard to remove myself as a victim, whether that means setting and enforcing a boundary, walking away, dealing with my feelings, or giving myself what I need. God, help me let go of my need to feel victimized.
-from The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beatty
I like the viewpoint this writer takes- be lovely from the inside out! Thank you for such a great article, Tiffany!
We don’t say this out loud, but deep down inside we all want to be attractive. No, not with a fit body or the perfect face, but having qualities that people feelmagnetized to. Being the kind of person everyone wants to be with and do favors for.
Unfortunately, I took the make-up route and relied solely on my looks to make people like me more.
The cost: 2 hours of Michelle Phan makeup tutorials a day. $1,000+ worth of brushes and powders a year.
The result: The same people who treated me as their best friend earlier acted as a total stranger the day I skipped my makeup.
Yup. People do judge a book by its cover.
But what if you could make people like you with just your personality. Or better yet, with good habits?
That’s when I began hanging out with new friends at Meetups and observing every action that draws me to them. Some of these habits might not seem as obvious to the average Joe or plain Jane, but if you start to build these habits now, you can make friends in a snap or keep the love in your relationship strong.
I remember my heart jumped when I got a beautiful bouquet of flowers one random day at work, not because it was from my boyfriend or a secret admirer, but as a surprise.
I soon discovered that it was my close friend who’d sent me the unexpected gift, just because he knew how depressed I felt after realizing my ex no longer cared about me. It wasn’t the gift alone that made my whole week brighter, it was his thoughts.
The takeaway here? Don’t tell people what you’re going to get or do for them because then they expect you to deliver. Give them a surprise — it’s much more memorable and impactful than doing what you’ve promised.
People respect those who speak their minds, more so than someone who always agrees with their request or invitation. Because when you say “no” to others, people see how real you are, that you have priorities and can be honest about your feelings.
Yes, saying the “n” word might make your stomach flip but if you can get past that feeling, you’ll start feeling good about yourself.
If you don’t treat yourself like number one, then others will treat you like number two.
Hold the door if their hands are full. Warn them before they sit on a wet seat. Pick up their dropped cash. These are things most people won’t do, but will give respect if you do.
You can complain all you want about how life sucks, and keep asking yourself,why am I not as smart, rich, likeable, successful, influential, or as good-looking as my better unequal? But at the end of the day, you’re not helping yourself grow. You’re not trying to become better.
Take the time to study what makes others shine. Practice over and over again. Ask if you need to. Because if you want to be the best, you have to be willing to learn from the best.
It’s fun talking with others, but the moment the conversation dies because no one has anything else to say is when you start getting bored of that person. Don’t be that person, the one anxiously looking away while racking your brain for a good topic.
If you want to save yourself from that situation, you got to make people curious about you and the only way is if you’re curious yourself. Learn how things work. Ask yourself why people behave the way they do. Read about what’s happening in the world right now.
Because when you have a dozen more things to say, we automatically think you’re a smart and fascinating companion.
It’s not a pleasant sight to see someone screaming angrily or lashing out in a destructive way. And sometimes we just can’t help but lash back.
Don’t. Before you snap, take a minute to think about the whole situation and why you’re feeling so angry. Maybe there was some miscommunication between you two and maybe it’s best to stay calm and talk it out.
This is probably the best solution to understanding people better and feeling more closely connected to them.
Most of us feel scared when we’re away from our comfort groups, which makes it easier for people to see who’s confident and who’s not. For me, I’d always scout around for those who introduce themselves to others, because I know they’re the types who are completely comfortable in their own skin.
Break out of your comfort zone and talk with somebody you’ve never met. You’ll instantly surprise them (see point #1) and walk away with greater confidence.
It drives me insane every time someone tells me that they’re bored and have no idea what to do. Or if they waste their time sleeping or watching TV all day.
Yes, people would tell me just “live in the moment” and have fun, but to be honest, that’s a very short-term point of view. What makes you more attractive in the long run is getting smarter and learning new things, everyday.
A suggestion I’d recommend that a friend recommended me is writing a list of all the things you don’t know or have little knowledge about. Update that list whenever you come across a topic that puzzles you and research it when you have time.
It’s simple, overused at times, but still can make a world’s difference to someone’s day. All it takes is a couple seconds to think about and appreciate what you are given, even if it’s something small like a hug.
Remember: Thank others when you really mean it, but not to the point where you go overboard (otherwise it starts to lose its meaning).
If there’s one thing you can’t recover in life, it’s time. That’s why people who are constantly busy doing things they like or can improve on end up becoming more successful than someone who treats their time as if it were a measly dollar — you can waste it in a flash, but it’s something people use to build a life that’s worth living.
Remember, the most attractive thing about you has less to do with your face and body, but more with your heart and habits.
I was so inspired by this article that I had to pass it along. I am sort of a productivity junkie, and if you are too, check out this article by Benjamin P. Hardy!
According to psychological research, the anticipation of an event is almost always more emotionally powerful than the event itself.
The dread of asking your boss for a raise is paralyzing and can last months. Yet, once you get yourself to finally do it, it’s over before you know it. The excitementof attaining some object or objective can become obsessive. Yet, shortly after you obtain your desire, you’re bored and in search of something else. “We buy things to make us happy, and we succeed. But only for a while. New things are exciting to us at first, but then we adapt to them,”says Dr. Thomas Gilovich, Cornell psychologist.
Interestingly, your mind can seduce you so much so that the idea of something becomes more satisfying than the thing itself, so you stop at the idea and never make it real. Thus, in his new book, Ego is the Enemy, Ryan Holiday explains that a primary obstacle to success is the idea of success.
It’s so easy to dream.
It’s easy to tell people about your ambitions. It’s easy to create vision boards and write down your goals. It’s easy to stand in front of a mirror and declare affirmations.
And that’s where most people stop.
The very act of dreaming stops you from achieving your dreams.
You’ve played-it out in your mind with such intoxicating detail that you become satisfied enough. You become numbed. And you deceive yourself into believing you’ve actually done something productive.
Consequently, when you attempt the activity itself, you immediately hit a stone wall of resistance. More often than not, you quickly distract yourself from the discomfort with some form of momentary pleasure. Yet, Robert Greene explains in his book, Mastery, that you can learn to love this internal resistance. In his words, “You find a kind of perverse pleasure in moving past the pain this might bring.”
In his book, Living with a SEAL, Jesse Itzler tells the story of being inspired by a certain Navy SEAL and consequently inviting him to live at Itzler’s home for a month. Itzler admitted being in a personal rut and wanted to shake himself out of his routine.
Day 1: “SEAL” asked Itzler, “How many pull-ups can you do?” Itzler squeaked out eight shaky pull-ups.
“Take 30 seconds and do it again,” SEAL said. 30 seconds later, Itzler got on the bar and did six, struggling.
“Take 30 seconds and do it one more time,”SEAL said. 30 seconds later, Itzler got on the bar and did three, at which point his arms were exhausted.
“Alright, we’re not leaving here until you do 100 more,” SEAL stated. Itzler was puzzled. “Alright, we’re gonna be here a long-time. Cause there’s no way I could do 100.” However, Itzler ended-up completing the challenge, doing one pull-up at a time. Thus, SEAL convinced Itzler that he could do way more than he thought he could.
The principle SEAL taught is what he calls the 40% rule — which essentially means people feel maxed-out mentally and physically, and thus stop, when they are at only 40% of their actual capacity. Going past this 40% capacity is when it becomes uncomfortable. Thus, SEAL’s mantra, “If it doesn’t suck, we don’t do it.”
“The pain is a kind of challenge your mind presents — will you learn how to focus and move past boredom, or like a child will you succumb to the need for immediate pleasure and distraction?” — Robert Greene
Like Itzler who shattered a mental barrier by completing 100 pull-ups, you too can get out of your rut by pursuing tangible objectives.
The concept is: Do something and don’t stop until it’s complete, no matter how long it takes.
Your goal is to learn how to accomplish hard things without continuously distracting yourself. You want to develop what Greene calls “A perverse pleasure”in experiencing internal conflict, andsitting with it.
This concept is embedded in Crossfit.Unlike most people, who check their smartphones between exercise “sets,” at Crossfit, you have a specific objective and you kill yourself until it’s done.
If it doesn’t suck, we don’t do it.
You can apply this principle to anything and everything. You can do a homework assignment and just do it until it’s complete. You can write an article and stick-to-it until it’s published. You can do 100 pull-ups, or run 5 miles, and go until you’re done. Who cares how long it takes?
In his book, Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World, Cal Newport states the following:
“The ability to perform deep work is becoming increasingly rare at exactly the same time it is becoming increasingly valuable in our economy. As a consequence, the few who cultivate this skill, and then make it the core of their working life, will thrive.”
Without question, we live in the most distracted time in human history. It is almost impossible to remain focused on a single-task for more than a few minutes at a time.
The law of opposites is in effect. With every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. While most of the world is becoming increasingly distracted, a select few are capitalizing on this fact.
Hence, Economist Tyler Cowan has said,“Average is over.” The middle-class is gone. Either you’re among the select few who are thriving, or you’re like most people who are distracted, overweight, and struggling.
The choice is yours.
When something sucks, do you quit? Or do you push-through and eventually enjoy the satisfaction of growth and success?
Anything worth doing is going to suck at the beginning. Anything worth doing is meant to require pain and sacrifice. Herein lies the problem facing America, which originally was built on the moral of impulse control. What once used to be a country filled with people sacrificing momentary pleasure for a better future, the overpowering message of today islive for the moment.
And that’s exactly what people do. They live for this moment. Consequently, when something sucks, or becomes hard, most people quit. Most people indulge themselves in momentary satisfaction at the expense of a better future.
To make matters worse, the twin “truth” of today’s culture is love yourself for who you are. The self-esteem movement of the late 20th century is an enormous contributor to America’s faltering success.
People are taught to love themselves regardless of their performance. Thus, they justify mediocrity. Yet, Asian’s and other immigrant groups who often are considered to have low self-esteemconsistently outperform American’s who have high self-esteem.
Unlike in other parts of the world where hard work is seen as a virtue, the repeated phrase in America is: “Don’t work too hard!” Success these days is to get as much as you can for as little work as possible.
In the book, “The Triple Package: How Three Unlikely Traits Explain the Rise and Fall of Cultural Groups in America,” Amy Chua and Jed Rubenfeld explain that most successful people not only control their impulses, but also have an implicit sense of inferiority.
These people may have confidence, yet, they remain unsure of themselves. They have a chip on their shoulder due to being oppressed in some way. So they continuously push themselves, regardless of how successful they become, to prove themselves. They are never satisfied with what they’ve done. They continue to feel inferior.
These very traits are awarded in today’s economy because they are so rare. Again, few people control their impulses, but instead live for the moment. And few people, especially in America, have any sense of inferiority. Rather, most people have bought into the myth that you must first love yourself before you can become successful.
True confidence is earned. It’s earned by succeeding. Not by wishing for success.
True confidence emerges when you consistently push-through things that suck. The longer you sit with the boredom, pain, and discomfort — and actually create something meaningful, the more confident and successful you will be.
Hence, Ryan Holiday explains in aninterview with Lewis Howes: you are rewarded for the work you actually accomplish. Not the promises you make.
Doing the work is hard.
Getting into elite physical condition is brutal.
Building deep and committed relationships is nearly impossible. Most marriages end in divorce.
Developing deep spiritual maturity requires giving-up who you want to be for who you really are.
All of these things “suck,” at least initially, and in-the-moment. However, if it doesn’t suck, it’s not worth doing. And you absolutely can learn to endure the discomfort of the moment to build a life worth having.
If you’re stuck in a rut, like Itzler, challenge yourself to complete specific objectives — no matter how long they take.
“A life that doesn’t include hard-won accomplishment and triumph over obstacles may not be a satisfying one. There is something deeply fulfilling — even thrilling — in doing almost anything difficult extremely well. There is a joy and pride that come from pushing yourself to another level or across a new frontier. A life devoted only to the present — to feeling good in the now — is unlikely to deliver real fulfillment. The present moment by itself it too small, too hollow. We all need a future. Something beyond and greater than our own present gratification, at which to aim or feel we’ve contributed.” — The Triple Package
True happiness — joy — is fundamentally different than momentary pleasure. Not to say momentary pleasure is inherently bad. However, it often gets in the way of something more real and lasting.
Anything worth doing brings a satisfaction that distraction never can. Don’t give into the resistance. Push through the difficulty. That’s where a joy that those who stop will never taste.
Said Geologist James Talmage:
“Happiness leaves no bad after-taste, it is followed by no depressing reaction; it brings no regret, entails no remorse. True happiness is lived over and over again in memory, always with a renewal of the original good; a moment of pleasure may leave a barbed sting, [as] an ever-present source of anguish.”
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