Suppose I give you an algorithm to figure out whether or not you’re a normal drinker. I tell you to take the number of drinks you’d consume on an average Tuesday, multiply it by a rough estimate of times you’ve “had too much” and divide that by the number of drinks that would qualify as […]
One of my friends is a painter and her art works are exhibited in many exhibitions in abroad too. Since she posts all her art work on facebook, I used to browse through the pictures when she used to inform me. Twice it so happened that I wanted to add a comment to a couple […]
Wow. Different ways of dealing with obstacles…I’ve tried them all! Its difficult to get to ACCEPTANCE AND PEACE. Pictures speak 1000 words…I love this Buddhist wisdom.
The biggest reason couples fall out of love is simple: they don’t feel loved by their partner. Why? Because even though they may say “I love you” at the end of phone calls and before heading off to work, those words have no magic if not backed by thousands of other simple gestures.
100 small things to make someone feel loved
- Don’t forget to hug before you say goodbye. Physical gestures often go undervalued after a relationship has been going on for a while.
- Tell them how special they are to you. This goes beyond just saying, “I love you”.
- Express understanding when it’s needed by saying, “I understand how you feel.” If you don’t understand, express your desire to by saying something like, “Tell me how you feel so that I can understand.”
- Tell them frequently how much you appreciate it when they do things for you. We often get used to how much our spouses or partners do for us and tend to forget how much easier they make our lives.
- Tell them how much you enjoy certain aspects of their personality. For example, “I love your sense of humor.” You need to be praised for who you are and so do they.
- Go an entire day with your partner without saying anything but positive praise. You can make this as frequent a practice as you like.
- Fix your partner their favorite food without them asking.
- Offer to help cook.
- If you have kids, offer to take them out so your partner can spend some relaxing time alone. Alone time is important!
- Send an intimate text message to your partner for no reason.
- Email your partner while they’re at work just to see how they’re doing.
- Call your partner when they’re on break just to say hi.
- Reach across the car, the table, or the couch to touch their hand, if only for a moment.
- Pull out their chair, or open the door for them- chivalry, guys!
- Remember to give them a smile. I don’t mean smile at them or fake it. I mean giving them their own personal smile- the one you save for them.
- Instead of taking your frustrations out on them after a hard day, say, “I really needed to see you today because … “, or, “I had a hard day and I need a hug.” They probably aren’t the cause of your bad mood, so let them help you out.
- Joke and laugh, and laugh with them.
- Go to bed at the same time for a week. Talk or read together, or just sit quietly.
- If you have children, compliment your partner or spouse in front of them. This will make your kids happy, too!
- Brag about your partner in public. Yes, they may turn beet red if they’re shy, but they’ll appreciate it.
- Try to avoid their pet peeves (e.g. sponge left in the sink or toilet seat left up). You may think they’re silly but it’s important to them.
- Light a candle or two when you have dinner together to make the atmosphere more romantic, just because.
- Find creative ways to tell each other “I love you” in code.
- Have date nights. Go out or stay in, but make the night about one another.
- Pick her some flowers.
- Offer to watch a movie with them that they like.
- Give them a massage after a long day, or for no reason at all.
- Tell them they’re your best friend.
- Don’t be shy about sharing your feelings. Let them know if you’re happy or unhappy at the moment, and why.
- Listen when they tell you how they’re feeling.
- Buy small “just because” presents outside of a holiday or birthday.
- Write intimate messages on a piece of paper and slip it into their bag for them to find.
- Hold hands in public.
- Take lessons together. It doesn’t matter what kind.
- Apologize when you make a mistake.
- Let them be right sometimes.
- Play games from your childhood together.
- Give your partner space when they need it. But let them know you’re there when they need you.
- Run a hot bath for your partner when they seem stressed.
- Wash your partner’s car for them.
- Put a cute little toy that reminds them of you in their glove compartment.
- Try to do one random act of kindness every day for your partner.
- Try new activities together. Challenging ones are the best.
- Take a day off work every once in a while to spend doing nothing together.
- Let your partner sleep in. Turn off their alarm.
- And bring them breakfast in bed.
- Remind your partner that they’re hot or sexy.
- Take bike rides or go for walks together.
- Wear matching outfits every so often.
- Keep your partner’s favorite snacks on hand at all times.
- Volunteer together.
- Do each other’s hair.
- Create goals as a couple. They can be about fitness, finance, personal-growth, etc.
- Take an unplanned vacation together.
- Plan a special day for your partner.
- Use a photo of them as the wallpaper on your phone, and show them that.
- Do a chore that he/she usually does.
- Keep a shared journal between the two of you.
- Accompany him to game night/football night and be “one of the guys”.
- Take time to get to know your partner’s friends.
- Let your partner have a guys/girls night out sometimes.
- Put on your partner’s favorite song or music and invite them to dance.
- Be silly sometimes. Make fun of yourselves. Don’t be too serious.
- Sing for your partner or play them something if you’re instrumentally inclined.
- Tell them, “I’m more in love with you than I was yesterday.”
- When you’re having a bad day, lighten the mood by saying, “I hate everything today– but you’re pretty cool, as always.”
- Tell them that you think they’re even more attractive than when you met them.
- Tell them you were thinking about them.
- Tell them you support them.
- Tell them you love their body and mind.
- Tell them what made you happy today, and how it reminded you of them.
- Ask them how their day was.
- Say good morning every day.
- Say goodnight every night.
- Make sure they know you’re their “number one”.
- Show your partner you respect them by listening to their opinions on important decisions, and actually act on them.
- Tell them you appreciate what’s good about their opinions, even when you disagree with them.
- Lovingly tease them. Call them names too sickeningly sweet for anyone else.
- Flirt! Everyone enjoys flirting.
- Ask them to choose your outfit for work.
- Go to the gym together.
- Write a poem or song for your partner, even if it’s goofy.
- Make your partner a sweet card for no reason at all.
- Recreate your first date, run-in, kiss, etc.
- If you’re crafty, make them something. It doesn’t have to be useful, but make sure it’s adorable and reminds them of you.
- Tell them you’re lucky to have them. Tell them how you’ve changed since you met them.
- Be truthful. Let them know about the naughty mistakes you’ve made.
- Be gentle about pointing out your partner’s flaws. They may need to hear it, but always softly.
- Show your partner how you trust them. Don’t feel the need to know their whereabouts if they don’t open up first.
- Buy your partner a gift certificate for their favorite store.
- Never blame your bad mood on your partner.
- Write them a story about your love.
- Make a picture collage of the two of you.
- Do something silly together.
- Invite their family to dinner (if they’re on good terms, that is).
- Make a playlist of your favorite songs as a couple and play it on a road trip.
- Rent some cheesy romance movies.
- Ask your partner to share their dreams with you.
- Laugh when they joke, even if the joke isn’t funny.
- Make it easy for them to love you. You’ll find that they’ll act in kind.
Amy Krouse Rosenthal, an amazing author, was able to “market” her husband while on her last leg of a fatal diagnosis. Her unselfishness is a beacon for me. Just WOW. Read on!
Note: Amy Krouse Rosenthal died on March 13, 2017, 10 days after this essay was published. You can read her obituary.
I have been trying to write this for a while, but the morphine and lack of juicy cheeseburgers (what has it been now, five weeks without real food?) have drained my energy and interfered with whatever prose prowess remains. Additionally, the intermittent micronaps that keep whisking me away midsentence are clearly not propelling my work forward as quickly as I would like. But they are, admittedly, a bit of trippy fun.
Still, I have to stick with it, because I’m facing a deadline, in this case, a pressing one. I need to say this (and say it right) while I have a) your attention, and b) a pulse.
I have been married to the most extraordinary man for 26 years. I was planning on at least another 26 together.
As the couple head home in the early morning of Sept. 6, somehow through the foggy shock of it all, they make the connection that today, the day they learned what had been festering, is also the day they would have officially kicked off their empty-nestering. The youngest of their three children had just left for college.
So many plans instantly went poof.
No trip with my husband and parents to South Africa. No reason, now, to apply for the Harvard Loeb Fellowship. No dream tour of Asia with my mother. No writers’ residencies at those wonderful schools in India, Vancouver, Jakarta.
No wonder the word cancer and cancel look so similar.
This is when we entered what I came to think of as Plan “Be,” existing only in the present. As for the future, allow me to introduce you to the gentleman of this article, Jason Brian Rosenthal.
He is an easy man to fall in love with. I did it in one day.
Let me explain: My father’s best friend since summer camp, “Uncle” John, had known Jason and me separately our whole lives, but Jason and I had never met. I went to college out east and took my first job in California. When I moved back home to Chicago, John — who thought Jason and I were perfect for each other — set us up on a blind date.
It was 1989. We were only 24. I had precisely zero expectations about this going anywhere. But when he knocked on the door of my little frame house, I thought, “Uh-oh, there is something highly likable about this person.”
By the end of dinner, I knew I wanted to marry him.
Jason? He knew a year later.
I have never been on Tinder, Bumble or eHarmony, but I’m going to create a general profile for Jason right here, based on my experience of coexisting in the same house with him for, like, 9,490 days.
The following list of attributes is in no particular order because everything feels important to me in some way.
He is a sharp dresser. Our young adult sons, Justin and Miles, often borrow his clothes. Those who know him — or just happen to glance down at the gap between his dress slacks and dress shoes — know that he has a flair for fabulous socks. He is fit and enjoys keeping in shape.
If our home could speak, it would add that Jason is uncannily handy. On the subject of food — man, can he cook. After a long day, there is no sweeter joy than seeing him walk in the door, plop a grocery bag down on the counter, and woo me with olives and some yummy cheese he has procured before he gets to work on the evening’s meal.
Jason loves listening to live music; it’s our favorite thing to do together. I should also add that our 19-year-old daughter, Paris, would rather go to a concert with him than anyone else.
When I was working on my first memoir, I kept circling sections my editor wanted me to expand upon. She would say, “I’d like to see more of this character.”
Of course, I would agree — he was indeed a captivating character. But it was funny because she could have just said: “Jason. Let’s add more about Jason.”
He is an absolutely wonderful father. Ask anyone. See that guy on the corner? Go ahead and ask him; he’ll tell you. Jason is compassionate — and he can flip a pancake.
Jason paints. I love his artwork. I would call him an artist except for the law degree that keeps him at his downtown office most days from 9 to 5. Or at least it did before I got sick.
If you’re looking for a dreamy, let’s-go-for-it travel companion, Jason is your man. He also has an affinity for tiny things: taster spoons, little jars, a mini-sculpture of a couple sitting on a bench, which he presented to me as a reminder of how our family began.
Here is the kind of man Jason is: He showed up at our first pregnancy ultrasound with flowers. This is a man who, because he is always up early, surprises me every Sunday morning by making some kind of oddball smiley face out of items near the coffeepot: a spoon, a mug, a banana.
This is a man who emerges from the minimart or gas station and says, “Give me your palm.” And, voilà, a colorful gumball appears. (He knows I love all the flavors but white.)
My guess is you know enough about him now. So let’s swipe right.
Wait. Did I mention that he is incredibly handsome? I’m going to miss looking at that face of his.
If he sounds like a prince and our relationship seems like a fairy tale, it’s not too far off, except for all of the regular stuff that comes from two and a half decades of playing house together. And the part about me getting cancer. Blech.
I was totally serious about this and encouraged submitters to be serious as well. Hundreds poured in. A few weeks after publication in August, I heard from a 62-year-old librarian in Milwaukee named Paulette.
She suggested the word “more.” This was based on an essay in the book where I mention that “more” was my first spoken word (true). And now it may very well be my last (time shall tell).
In September, Paulette drove down to meet me at a Chicago tattoo parlor. She got hers (her very first) on her left wrist. I got mine on the underside of my left forearm, in my daughter’s handwriting. This was my second tattoo; the first is a small, lowercase “j” that has been on my ankle for 25 years. You can probably guess what it stands for. Jason has one too, but with more letters: “AKR.”
I want more time with Jason. I want more time with my children. I want more time sipping martinis at the Green Mill Jazz Club on Thursday nights. But that is not going to happen. I probably have only a few days left being a person on this planet. So why I am doing this?
I am wrapping this up on Valentine’s Day, and the most genuine, non-vase-oriented gift I can hope for is that the right person reads this, finds Jason, and another love story begins.
With all my love, Amy
Thank you Steven for this info. You’ve proven my theory…real books only, after dark, for me. READ ON!
When I see patients, they often take out their phones to take notes, check their calendars, or even Google something.
And sometimes, once they’ve completed their screen-related task, they continue to play with their device.
It turns out, being connected to a device or screen at all times is just part of today’s culture.
So, mid-conversation, my patients will text someone at home or respond to a work email. And I make no bones about asking for their undivided attention in those moments. Not just because I think we spend too much time on our devices, but because our devices are actually destroying our bodies.
Usually, patients drop the phone back in their purses or pockets immediately, like it’s no big deal. But, I was surprised recently when a patient refused to put hers down. She told me she was looking for something she absolutely had to show me. I waited patiently until she finally found what she was looking for. And what she showed me…was me!
She’d seen an interview I did on YouTube entitled, “Blue Light is Making You Fat.” She had to know if it was really true. She said she used her phone all day long and she’d just be beside herself if the statement were true. So, I plainly told her, “I’m sorry, but it’s true.”
When we look at a computer screen, a phone, or a tablet, our death clocks speed up. So, it’s best we arm ourselves with some information. In fact, if it’s dark outside right now, anyone reading this page should bookmark it and walk away. Come back and read it when it’s light out.
This screen—whether it’s on a phone, a tablet, or a computer—is emitting a certain kind of light known as blue spectrum light.
How does blue spectrum light affect us?
Well, special receptors in our eyes use blue spectrum light as a signal to regulate internal processes in our bodies, including:
>> Blood sugar
The trouble is, though technology provides us with ease and convenience, screens like this one emit large doses of blue light. Not only that, they do so at all the wrong times. Until recently, the sun was our only source of blue light. So, for most of our human existence, we only saw blue spectrum light during the day.
That’s why our bodies evolved to use blue light as a guide for our internal health clock—also known as our circadian rhythm.
“Health clock” hormones like melatonin are controlled by the body’s exposure to blue light. This rhythm determines when our bodies rest, repair themselves, crave food, and perform a number of other vital activities. I’m not exaggerating in the least when I say our lives depend on the careful timing of all these processes.
And historically, sunlight was a dependable way to set the timer. But unfortunately, this is no longer the case.
In the 21st century, it’s “daylight” all the time.
A little over a decade ago, social media and internet videos began to take off. Touch-screen smartphones exploded in popularity. Touch-pad tablets and Kindles hit the market. And more people than ever before gained access to laptops and computers.
In fact, at this very moment, over 3.56 billion people across the world (including you) are looking at one of these devices.
And, after these folks close their devices, they probably use the flat-screen television in their living rooms, or maybe that touch-screen navigation system in their cars. Perhaps they even go to the gym, where they can hop on that fancy elliptical with the digital monitor attached to it.
And now, the bad news: Light-emitting diodes (LEDs)—which illuminate the screens on all these devices—hit our eyes with a concentrated blast of blue light. In other words, we look straight into blue light sources at all hours of the day and night—including right now.
Our brains are bombarded by unprecedented amounts of blue light at unnatural hours. And with all these blue light signals, our bodies can no longer regulate our internal health clocks properly.
Consequences of all this blue light exposure?
Well, for starters, here’s a little preview:
>> Weight gain
>> Heart problems
>> Metabolic problems
>> Mental problems
>> Constant fatigue
>> Declining health
But first, “How does blue light exposure compromise our health?”
It all starts when our deep sleep gets disrupted.
On more than one occasion, Ivy League researchers have shown blue light exposure suppresses melatonin, making it harder to sleep. (1,2) But recent research shows, even if we do manage to get to sleep, our sleep won’t be “deep” enough.
It turns out, NREM slow-wave sleep—or “deep sleep”—is how our bodies repair the vital organs and systems that keep us alive and healthy. These include the heart, lungs, brain, muscles, digestive tract, and immune system—in other words, all the things we spend our waking hours tearing up through heavy use.
And studies everywhere are now showing that nighttime blue light exposure disrupts our deep sleep patterns. One of these studies was recently conducted at the prestigious University of Basel in Europe.
In this study, 30 healthy adults were exposed to blue light for two hours before bed each night over the course of three months. Scientists discovered that, after the blue light exposure, patients’ deep sleep patterns were bizarrely rearranged. (3)
Shortly after the European sleep study was published, Harvard Medical School conducted their own sleep study right here in the United States. In the Harvard study, doctors monitored the sleep of two separate groups of healthy adults for five consecutive nights. One group read a blue-light-emitting Kindle before bed each night. The other group read a printed book instead.
And what was the result?
The group who read the blue-light-emitting Kindle quickly started experiencing problems that might sound familiar:
>> They took longer to get to sleep.
>> They slept poorly.
>> They were significantly more tired the next morning. (4)
After the fifth night, the doctors running the study tried switching things up. They had the two groups trade reading methods and do another five-night’s sleep cycle. The results were consistent: Whoever used the Kindle experienced sleep problems. (5)
Bottom line: If we expose ourselves to regular and extended sessions of blue light at night, we will stop resting and recovering properly.
Blue light at night is altering our sleep patterns and damaging multiple systems in our bodies.
And once this change occurs, some nasty things start happening. Here are the top five consequences of exposing ourselves to artificial blue light at night:
1. We lose our mental sharpness.
Without adequate deep sleep, our mental and physical abilities deteriorate. Of course, this is common knowledge. But what most people don’t usually realize is how fast it happens.
For instance, those exposed to blue light in the Harvard sleep study were noticeably more exhausted and “spaced out” within just a few days, even though they were still sleeping seven to eight hours per night. (6) Long-term, these effects get worse—a lot worse.
And the really sinister part is, as we get accustomed to being in this state, we stop noticing we’re only running on 50 percent power! And even more alarming…
While we’re having a hard enough time just thinking and functioning, we’re having an even harder time not eating.
And this leads us to the second thing that happens:
2. Our appetite skyrockets, and we gain weight.
See, doctors now know that poor sleep increases ghrelin, the “hungry” hormone, and decreases leptin, the “full” hormone. In fact, Stanford University scientists were warning the medical community about this as early as 2004. (7)
When blue light disrupts our sleep, our ghrelin and leptin go haywire—and we start eating like crazy. In other words, poor sleep makes us feel hungry all the time.
And while we’re busy eating all that extra food, our bodies are busy storing most of it as fat. This was proven in a landmark sleep and obesity study carried out on hundreds of adults over six years in Quebec. When study participants didn’t sleep properly, their metabolism came to a screeching halt.
And this “eat more, store more” cycle does more than just make the fat pile up on our bodies in record time. By slowing our metabolism, the fat becomes nearly impossible to lose.
And, to add insult to injury, weight we gain makes our sleep problems even worse.
Johns Hopkins researchers revealed this in a 2012 study, where they had 77 overweight people slim down to see if they slept better. Many different weight loss methods were used, but the result was always the same:
The more body fat people lost, the better they slept.
And this eye-opening discovery revealed a disastrous loop our evening blue light exposure places us in:
Nighttime blue light exposure ruins our sleep.
Poor sleep forces our bodies to crave more food and store more fat.
Getting fat gives us even more sleep problems.
More sleep problems makes us even fatter…and so on.
By continuing to look at blue light at night, we’re accelerating this vicious, health-destroying cycle.
And as a cardiologist and heart surgeon, I can tell you right now—the long-term consequences of this aren’t pretty. The more weight a person gains, the less real rest a person gets.
3. As blue light disturbs sleep patterns, our blood pressure increases.
The blue light-induced sleep problems we have—especially inadequate deep sleep—wears down the organs and systems.
One of the worst-affected is the heart. Without adequate deep sleep, the heart can’t repair itself properly. It turns out, deep sleep is how the heart recovers from the previous day’s activity. When we start losing this vital section of our sleep cycle, our hearts start wearing down rapidly.
This was demonstrated in a groundbreaking study by doctors at UC San Diego and Harvard Medical School. In this study, 784 men were monitored for both sleep problems and heart problems over the span of 3.5 years.
At the end of the study, the doctors discovered that deep sleep loss increased the chances of hypertension by 80 percent in just a few years. (8)
In other words, when blue light sabotages deep sleep, blood pressure cranks up and starts damaging the heart. And it’s not just the heart that gets damaged. When we get such poor sleep…
4. Our risk of diabetes increases dramatically.
While adequate sleep is decreasing in the U.S., diabetes is rapidly increasing.
In fact, according to a recent report from the CDC, diabetes is at an all-time high—virtually doubling since 1997. (Kind of interesting, since 1997 was around the time the internet first started getting really popular.)
The truth is, poor sleep and diabetes have been linked together in studies conducted at prestigious clinics all over the world. (9,10) And it didn’t take long for University of Chicago Medical School doctors to tie this directly to deep sleep. Deep sleep disruption messes up the body’s ability to regulate blood sugar. (11)
And this chain of events doesn’t stop at our physical and mental well-being either. In addition to everything I’ve already mentioned, our emotions can go haywire, too, and the potential for psychological decline gets very steep, very quickly. That’s because as blue light wrecks our sleep patterns…
5. We plunge head first into depression.
The concept of sleep affecting our moods is nothing new. However, medical researchers are now discovering just how powerful and dangerous the connection is.
A massive sleep-depression study was recently conducted on 1,788 adult twins at the University of Washington Sleep Center. Their findings painted a clear picture:
Poor sleep nearly doubled the participants’ risk for developing depression. (12)
And new studies like this are coming out every year. The body of evidence is growing so rapidly, Dr. Lawrence J. Epstein at Harvard Medical School had this to say:
“People who have problems with sleep are at an increased risk for developing emotional disorders—anxiety and depression. There’s a very strong link.”
So, to put it all together:
Let’s bring it all back to blue-light-emitting screens. Consider the following facts:
1. Daily internet “screen time” exploded between 2008 and 2012.
2. Prescriptions for heart, diabetes, and depression medications ramped up during the same period. (13)
Chronic diseases are increasing alongside the use of blue light devices. And as a cardiologist, I’ve had to write quite a few of those heart medicine prescriptions myself. I do not want to have to write too many more if we can help it!
So, what can we do about it?
Alright, I know blue-light-emitting devices are unavoidable. And besides, our bodies are already designed to get blue light during the day. The main issue here is blue light at night. So, here are a few precautions to minimize nighttime blue light exposure:
1. Read a real book at night using regular light.
In other words, don’t use an Kindle or tablet. Save those for the daytime. And don’t use a fluorescent book light, as those put off a ton of blue light.
2. When using a computer at night, try blue-light blocking lenses.
Studies show blocking blue light with amber lenses improves both sleep and mood. So, for those who must be on their cell phones, computers, or tablets late at night, these lenses are a good option.
And there are tons of brands—Uvex Skyper, Gamma Ray, Gunnar—the list goes on. Find the right pair, and sleep easier! (I know I do.)
3. Limit looking at screens for long periods of time.
This is crucial! How often does a person reach for his cell phone—while reading this article? How many hours a day does a person look at her computer or tablet?
Looking at screens has become a widespread addiction. It’s a nervous habit we have when we don’t know what to do with ourselves. (I know, I’m guilty of this too.) Not to mention, it’s a major means of communication.
But, I have a suggestion:
When we feel the impulse to reach for our devices, we should go for a walk. Or have a real, in-person, face-to-face conversation with someone. Half the time we’re buried in a phone screen, we’re ignoring someone right in front of us (who’s also probably buried in a phone screen).
Put the phone down. Ask them to do the same. Ask them a question that throws them off guard. Get to know them better. Or call someone instead of texting—it is a phone after all!
I promise, doing this feels better than shooting off another text. Plus, it relieves us of looking at the blue light. Remember, we evolved to communicate with our voices. That’s where our real humanity is!
If we all spent less time on our phones, laptops, and tablets, we’d all be much healthier and happier.
Life is out there in the world, not on this screen. So, how about sharing this article with whomever—a friend or anyone who might need to see it. Then, leave a comment telling me what you’re about to go out in the world and do…and then close this device and go do it!
This article covers just about every excuse I have created for why I start strong at A and rarely get to Z! Read on for some great tips to make it all the way through the alphabet!